No birthin' goin' on here

Mommy Gal had a baby last Friday. If I haven't revealed this, I am Auntie Extraordinaire. I love kids and they love me. I can easily revert to childlike playfulness and won't hesitate to act silly, contort my face, sing song, and engage in anything else that toddlers love. Physicality aside, I talk to children like they're adults. They're usually perplexed the first or two go-around of my sarcasm, but if you love Auntie BTC, you learn sarcasm before you'll learn to poopoo on potty.

Yeah, kids. I *heart*.

This, of course, always beckons comments of, "You'd be such a great mom.", "When are you going to have kids?", "How many would you want?" Uhhhh, perhaps you haven't noticed, but I'm missing the other half of the ingredients to have a baby?

I used to think I never want to have kids. Then I softened up on that stance. Then I was in the your-eggs-are-too-dried-up-like-raisins-to-have-kids phase. Now? I'm-so-Sheryl-Crow-and-can-just-adopt-kids phase.

Realistically though, I love things the way they are. Being Auntie. All the fun, none of the poopy diaper and time outs.

It'll all be okay...

This CNN article, entitled "Push to achieve tied to suicide in Asian-American Women", made me sad.

• Suicide second-leading cause of death for Asian-American women 15-24
• Highest suicide rate among women of any race, ethnicity for that age group
• Experts cite "model minority" expectations, family pressures as factors

It struck a core with me because I can totally relate. I'm no longer close to that danger age range, but I can certainly remember those times. The cultural pressure for academic and social-economic success. The struggling attempts to fit into the American Mainstream.

Having gone through the elementary school system in Taiwan, I can tell you that school was for learning, period. Yes, we had recess time where we played dodge ball and swung on swings, but once the bell rung, it was study time. We wore uniforms. We even went to school on Saturdays. Once a month, we had a casual/non-uniform dress day. Once a week, we cleaned our own classrooms. Yup, 8-year-olds cleaning our own classrooms with rags, brooms, mops, and buckets of soapy water. That's the way it was. I didn't go to a poor school. That's just how you were taught discipline and responsibility. Talk back or question your teacher? Unfathomable.

My parents always told me that until I have a career or married with kids, my job was to go to school. The flip side was no stress about working an after-school job to save for things like a car. Being a good student was the payment for a brand new car at sixteen. I didn't go one summer without going to Summer School.

"What else are you going to do if you don't go to school?"
"Everyone else gets to be on vacation and, you know, rest."
"Rest? You have a week before Summer School starts and 2 weeks after for that.
"Oh."

There's a concept of "saving face" in Asian culture. It's the reason you see fighting for the bill at the end of dinner between the heads of families. The reason for perfectly behaved kids in public. The reason for big named universities to be filled by Asian kids. It's pride. It's to avoid the perceived shame of being less than someone else. Some other family.

It's indescribable pressure, yes. But, since it's the life you live, you don't know any different. I can tell you that I fell prey to all the expectations and thought about suicide in my high school days.

I went to a predominantly caucasian high school. No joke, probably 95% of the school population was white. I was maybe one of 5 Asian kids in school, out of 2,000+. Yes, there were the assumptions that I was one of the "smart kids". It wasn't untrue, but I truly don't think it's genetics. It was definitely the asian culture that drove home the idea that you can never learn too much, too fast.

For example, I was introduced to algebra in the 2nd grade. It wasn't until the 7th grade that I saw it again. So, I don't think I was smarter, just a lot more was expected of me in the other school system.

I don't think I can properly describe in words how hard it was to find a balancing point. To make your parents proud by bringing home good grades, while trying to be a cool and normal sophomore in high school. It was like living 2 lives. Any attempt at bridging the 2 worlds would illicit a, "Huh? Why? I don't understand." from one side, or the other. So you keep them separate. An exhausting task.

I guess the point is to say to all my little sisters that things will get better. It'll all be okay. Look at me. Despite all the growing pains, I'm here and loving life. I want to tell these 15-24 year olds to hang on. Life gets better and is so worth living. And surprisingly, at some point you'll actually appreciate all the forced studying you did, because it is pretty cool to be smart, even if you don't think so as a teenager.

I would also tell all the parents to do their best to find balance. All things in moderation! One of my mom's friend's sons was hospitalized in a mental hospital because he didn't get accepted into his top university choice. It's so unneccessary to drive anyone to that point, much less a child you love.

Thing will all be okay, chin up and find one non-academic thing to be passionate about. And no matter what, this too shall pass. I guarantee it.

Last Hurrah of The Season

In a few hours, I'll be on the road to Mammoth for some Spring Snowboarding! This will be the last of snowboarding this season, so I'm planning on getting a lot of slope time. Yippey!

I decided to take a vacation day today, under the pretense of "needing to pack". Unbeknownst to most, I've got packing down to a science. If you called me right now and said,

"Hey, my rich friend and I booked a 10-day vacation to Bali, but he can't go. An emergency has come up. Can you be packed in an hour and go? You won't have to worry about paying him back. He's, ya know, rich!"

No... Problem! I'll actually be packed in under 30 minutes.

I'll even fit everything I need for up to 2 weeks in just a carry-on luggage. Impressive, eh? (Ok, if we were going to Iceland, I might need a bigger suitcase for the parkas and such. Otherwise...)

So am I packed? Not yet silly! I've got plenty o' time!

Instead, I'm catching up with my TiVo, while attempting to get some sewing done. Artsy Gal and my belly dancing costumes are gonna be soooooooooooo cute! Cute Hot Cute!

Speaking of belly dancing, we had a marathon of a practice session last night. We finalized our choreography and solidified some of the fine details.

"Wait, do you have your arms up or down during that shimmy?"
"On which count do you start turning? Five or seven?"

Ya know, exciting exciting stuff. I'm definitely feeling more and more comfortable with the idea of performing. So that's a very good thing. Because at this point, there's really no turning back. No backing out... Friends are starting to hear about it. "When is it?! We're gonna come watch!!" *nervously* "Oh... ok great!" *gulp*

It'll be fine... Well hmmm... unless something goes wrong with the sound system, the music cuts out momentarily, and we're lost as to where we are in the choreography. Or, I do one of the spin, get dizzy from the bright spotlight, fall down, face first, breaking my nose. Or, due to poor workmanship, my costume slowly comes apart, and I end up topless. Ok, that might not be too bad of a thing for the audience, but I usually charge extra for that. Ha!

Alright, I need to get on with sewing and *ahem* packing.

Have a great weekend! I'll work on my flirt game in Mammoth and hope to have something to report when I get back. OCG isn't able to go, so I'm not sure how I'll do without my Wing Woman. We shall see!

100 BCOL Revelations

Inspired by reading others' lists, here's mine:

1. I hate carrots. It doesn't matter what you do with them. The juiced form is the absolute worst! About a year ago, I realized I didn't like ANY orange vegetables (pumpkins? yuck!)
2. I can make a really high-pitched MEEEEEEEP sound. Those that have heard it, cringe, plug their ears, and beg no when they think I'm going to do it.
3. I don't believe in leasing cars. I purchase and pay off my cars, then drive them until they occupy too much of my thought with repairs.
4. For 10 years, I drove a 5-speed VW with the most unforgiving clutch. I can drive any car.
5. I've only had 2 boyfriends. I met them both from online dating sites.
6. My parents are divorced.
7. My dad gambled away all the money and broke up the family.
8. I haven't spoken to him in 10+ years.
9. I love Vegas but always set a gambling budget.
10. I have the greatest friends anyone can ask for. I consider them family.
11. I immigrated to the U.S. when I was 10.
12. The only English I knew at 10: Thank you, Goodbye, and letters A through G. (I thought I was set!)
13. I learned Algebra in the 2nd grade. Between 5th and most of the 7th grade, I didn't learn anything new in Math in the U.S. School System.
14. I'm active in a lot (too many) of hobbies: playing the doumbek, drawing, painting, belly dancing, snowboarding, traveling, knitting, sewing, DIY home projects.
15. I was born in Germany and grew up in Taiwan.
16. I love my HDTV and my HD TiVo, especially.
17. I hate people that are self-righteous about NOT watching TV.
18. I love to cook, but when I think about having to clean up, it often stops me from cooking in the first place.
19. I've only lived in the State of California since I immigrated to this country.
20. I love Southern California and can't imagine living anywhere else.
21. I love to travel out of California as much as possible to get away from here.
22. I have an entourage of gay boyfriends.
23. I'm a hard shell on the outside, and a complete sensitive mush on the inside.
24. I cry more often than people think.
25. I have a talent for making people laugh.
26. I crack myself up!
27. I keep secrets.
28. I often fear that I'm not good enough.
29. I graduated from a renown university and have a high-paying job in a male-dominated field.
30. I live below my means.
31. My FICO Score is to die for.
32. I love home improvement DIY projects.
33. I've fully remodeled my kitchen and bathroom. Completing 90% of the work all on my own. (My hands and nails hated me during those times.) I have 2 more bathrooms to go.
34. My worse habit is scab picking.
35. I defy the stereotype of "Bad Asian Driver".
36. I'm a Clutter Bug.
37. I have specific social anxieties.
38. I take green happy pills.
39. Total believer in the 5-second rule. If I drop something on dry ground, I'll pick it up, blow on it, and eat it.
40. I sometimes pee in the shower. (It all just washes down the drain!)
41. I blow my nose in the shower. (It's not as though I rinse off, shut off the water, then do it!)
42. My hairdresser doesn't speak English. We communicate via pictures, keywords, and gestures (long, short, bangs, no bangs, nod head, shake head.) He does an amazing job!
43. I used to not want kids, then I did, now I think I'm starting to get too old to have a healthy pregnancy.
44. I would consider adopting children and being a single mother.
45. I have one sibling, a younger brother.
46. I love my mom, but she fuels my worst insecurities.
47. I never went to a high school formal or prom.
48. I'm a day dreamer.
49. I thought Sebastian Bach of Skid Row was hot.
50. I now prefer clean cut, non-metal hotties.
51. I don't care for sex toys.
52. I'm a perfectionist.
53. I'm gassy most of the time.
54. I love Judge Judy.
55. I take Pepcid before drinking to counter the Asian Red Face Syndrome.
56. I think I'm Amélie.
57. I think Mommie Dearest is a comedy.
58. I love potty humor.
59. I love bargains and will go way out of my way to get it, except for gas.
60. I love Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf's Iced Blendeds. I often call them Crack Blendeds.
61. I have too many pairs of shoes, but always want more.
62. I think without my charm and girly smile, half the things I say would royally offend people.
63. I've only had 2 cavities my whole life. They're both on the same tooth.
64. If I say I'm hungry, feed me immediately! I'll become a raging bitch in t-minus who knows.
65. I think people should have to take IQ/Common Sense/Morality Tests before being able to have kids. If you score outside of the Bell-shaped Curve, you should be sterilized.
66. I gossip.
67. I've never been in a Limo.
68. I'm a walking pop culture encyclopedia.
69. Random word(s) in conversation will trigger a singsong from me.
70. My initial motivation for wanting to learn how to paint was because I didn't want to pay for artwork. I figured I could just learn how and do it cheaply myself.
71. I'm extremely frugal.
72. My hair has never been permed or colored.
73. I wish I were more of a girly girl.
74. I'm afraid to open any varieties of Pillsbury Refrigerated Pastry/Roll cans, because the first time I opened one, no one told me it was going to POP!
75. I don't like scary movies.
76. I rather be cold than hot.
77. I have the sweat glands of a 45-year-old obese man.
78. As a teenager, I would have given anything to be White.
79. I have the opposite of a Green Thumb. Plants should run from me.
80. My collections of tools and gadgets would make most guys envious.
81. I'm probably too independent for my own good.
82. I can't tread water. I sink like a dart.
83. I masturbate.
84. I'm annoyed by play on words, such as, Nacho Ordinary Tacos. I have to actually think about them to decipher them. It's the ESL in me.
85. As an infant, I got to travel around the world. As an adult, I've been to Germany, Japan, France, and Netherlands.
86. Not a book reader.
87. Public speaking scares the dickens out of me.
88. I ran track in high school just so I can put that on my college application. I sucked at hurdles.
89. My favorite color is red.
90. I don't and don't like to throw up. The last time I threw up was in my teens.
91. I've never seen a dead person, in person.
92. I've wanted be an Architect, an Anthropologist, a Crime Detective, a Fashion Designer, an Inventor. I still think I can be good at any of them.
93. I didn't get my ears pierced until I was 13.
94. I think newborn boys shouldn't be circumcised.
95. I'm a Reality TV junkie.
96. I love to eat. If it wasn't for my great genes and my "feast 0r famine" eating habits, I could easily be 400lbs.
97. Water is my beverage of choice 95% of the time.
98. I could never be a vegetarian. I love meat too much.
99. My alcohol drink of choice is Malibu Rum, with pineapple juice or coke, yum! Vodka Collins.
100. I'm a hopeful cynic.

I'm not that strong

I've been putting off posting my first entry, because frankly, I had no idea what to write. Do I start with a long introduction of myself? How vain. No one's even going to read this... But today, I feel compelled to write, so I will and here goes...

I'm retarded. Not in any other way, but when it comes to love and romance and boys and all the etiquette and nuances that comes with it. I had my first boyfriend when I was 30. He was my first (just about) everything. Yeah, I'm behind, way behind! But it's okay, I have come to accept the huge deficit in this part of my life. For the most part anyways...

So, I'm now mid-thirty-ish and I've had 2 boyfriends. Woohoo! Not bad right? I'm trotting along now and doing well playing catch-up. So I think... Is it just the newbie in me, or is dating and relationships really hard? It consumes my brain some days. It's exhausting.

Case and point, my most recent Ex, let's call him NG for Nice Guy. Him and I have been playing the distant-only-by-email-stay-in-touch game ever since our breakup 10 months ago. We parted because he's a confused boy who's avoidant of serious relationship because of the divorce-child-custody-burn. At least that's my understanding of why we're not together.

Anyhoo, very recently, he contacted me to be his friend on MySpace. It's not just for teenagers anymore!! I swear!! I found the request to be odd because he's been distant and avoidant (3 weeks to answer a simple "How was Thanksgiving?" email), so why would he now want a method to be openly connected. I hesitate. The curiosity got the best of me. I'm a stupid hopeful girl. I accepted.

For the past week, I've been part of his MySpace friend circle of 14, along with his ex-wife, family, friends, and who-is-that-random-cute-girl, who's not-friends-with-any-of-his-friends-and-vise-versa? I don't care, right? No, I care...

So I've been the best cyber detective. (It's a talent. Seriously, I'm really great at it. I should be paid for it.) It's been an eye-rolling torturous experience watching the comments, the profile updates, the song updates between the 2 of them. Kill me now! I can only surmise that they knew each other in person while she still lived in our town, but has since moved back east to live with her parents (along with her 2 kids!!) in order to go to school. They're apart. Far apart. Nothing to be anything about, right? Wrong. It's a complete, total, and full-blown cyber-serious-romantic-relationship.

Everyday, a comment here, and song there. For pete sakes, he even created a band page to deliver "mix tapes" to her. I feel cynical, sad, nauseated, whatever, pang-of-heart, along with 10 other no-so-great emotions. Why? WTF?

So I had to delete him from my friend list. The convenience of torturing myself needed to be stopped. So I did. Kind of... I can still see her profile, since it's public, and now, not only am I tortured to see her profile updates. I only see one-side of it. What's on his in reference to that comment? I'm retarded! Just shoot me.

Has he even noticed that he's down a friend? He doesn't care. Did he ever care? I'm retarded. Seriously, I am.

So yeah, welcome me to blogging. :)