Puker-cise

I just endured went to a cardio kickboxing class (a.k.a. Tae Bo) at my gym tonight. I used to be hardcore into it, and did it twice a week. Let me tell ya, it's the best total body workout EVER! The result is the shapeliest buns and nicely defined arms. Got tickets to the Gun Show? Anyways, somewhere along the way of picking up new hobbies (belly dancing, painting, boy prowling, etc.) that twice a week regiment fell to the waste side. Hello JigglyPuff!

Well, welcome to first day back at cardio kick-my-ass class after months of absence! What can I say about the class? Two things...

First, it was near vomit inducing. I lost count at how many jumping jacks we did. My innards feel jostled. You laugh, but listen to this. One of my friend's mom's uterus fell out while she was walking around at "the happiest place on Earth". Seriously, it happens?!?! Words could not describe how disturbed I was at even the thought of such a possibility. Ever since that story, I've been on a very stringent kegel exercise routine. I do not want a lazy vajayjay that might decide, randomly, to flap out of my body. Eww and I got side tracked...

Anyhoo, the second thing. The instructor... I'm searching for words... Ok, story time.

I get to the gym and the class beforehand had yet to let out. There's quite a crowd at the door waiting for the class. I see him... Instantly, I want to name him Sasha Manuel. Latin, but also with a splash of German or something. Facts: I hear his thick Spanish accent; I see his long Yanni-like hair pulled back into a ponytail, his red Calvin Klein underwear waist band showing, and he has matching red wrist bands. (Yup, the classic terry cloth kind.) Oh, and his Euro workout shoes. (Don't ask, I've been to Europe so I claim expertise!) He's got the hairiest arms ever! Just the forearms. The upper arms are totally fine. No shoulder or neck hair protruding out of his tank top. Don't you think he should manscape a bit? He was part ape from the elbows down. Weird...

The music starts, and it's like a German Techno Club. Ohnz ohnz ohnz, at 200bpm... "JHANMPING JHACKS!!" Holy crap!! Such an abrupt beginning! He attempted to give encouragement and instruction through his microphone, but not only was the music blaring, his accent was just to heavy to decipher. Just follow what he's doing. WTF? Jhanmping jhacks then hit the ground to do 20 push ups? Damn you Sasha Manuel!! But guess what? I made it through the whole cardio section!! Ok, I cheated here and there, but I was still proud that I lasted.

So you think we're done... Nope. "Garrrab ah mahtt!" Shit abs... Ok, the things he wanted us to do?? Crazy!! Lay on your back, both legs straight out, unbent. Bring it as close to the ground without touching it, then bring them, still unbent, as far to your chest as possible. All to the same 200bmp German Techo Club music. He's freakin' out of his mind!! I think only 2 people out of 40+ in the class could do it.

So bold I am, I get his attention and wave him to come to me.

"I think you might want to give a less difficult version, since most of us can't do that."

He touches my knee, winks in kind of a playful seductive latin way, and says, "Dun't wohrry. We wohrk ohn it." Ok... Don't say no one told you when chiropractor bills come in. He thought I was flirting?? I guess I was laying flat on my back, sweaty, legs spread apart, face flushed... (WTF? Night blogging appears to bring out a different side of me...)

Anyways, I get through the ab section by mostly just resting and watching others kill themselves. He ends the class with martial arts breathing exercises, then gave a speech...

"I know jour lurning how my clahss wohrks and it might be fahstrating. If you take mohr, jou'll see that it's ahll lowgicall and mahtimaticall. I hawve a website that jou cahn veesit that whill give jou teeps. If jou wahnt the ahdress, comb and get a cahd froom me." (If you need a translation, email me.)

I'll bite. I walk up to him and take a card, and it's hilarious! The motto printed on his card: "Explore Transform BECOME" The picture is just the right side of his face, and only the top two-thirds. He can so pass for Yanni in this pic! I can't bring myself to go to his website yet. I want to spread out my Sasha Manuel dosage.

Ok ok, as much as I'm making fun of him, it was a great class. I definitely got my booty kicked and the music wasn't bad. Hey, it's better than "You Shook Me All Night Long". What is with that song? Weddings, aerobic classes, why can't I escape from it? I will definitely be going back to Sasha Manuel's class next week so he and I can "wohrk ohn" the difficult ab stuff.

Oh, weekend recap. The show at the Roxy was awesome. Ryan Gosling was there. It's funny how they ("celebrities") never look as grand in person. At least I've yet to meet one that's been and I've seen my share. Blah blah blah, "we know you paint on Saturdays." I did and I think it's gonna be a good one. I hope to be proud enough to show it to you when I'm done.

Sunday was a day of shopping with OCG. Surprisingly, we didn't buy much. I got bindis to adorn our foreheads with for the performance, and that was it. On the way home, I swung by Mommy Gal's place and ended up getting feed. The cutest 2 year old greeted me with such excitement, said my name with the biggest smile, and gave me a big hug and kiss. Warms my heart.