Intimidation Factor
"Someone like you is scary to a guy like me. You've got your shit together." is one phrase that's stuck with me from Nice Guy. My Ex previous to NG was intimidated by me too. My home ownership, my paycheck, my friends, my I-don't-know-what.
Are men intimidated by women? Why? To what extent? By what exactly? "Those men are just insecure!" Yeah, but aren't we all? You wouldn't be human if you weren't to some degree.
I've read several blogs recently that have commentated on the ideal and realistic expectations of dating singles, and the roles that men and women play. How does one find a balance? My box of "The Game Of Love" came without instructions. I'm left to figure things out as I play. Everyone else has been playing for years...
I guess the short answer is you don't try, you don't play games. Just. Be. Yourself. The right person will come along and find you perfect for them, and them for you. It should be organic and without extreme effort. Hmmm... Going down a mental list of couples I know and have known, I've yet to see that harmonious Ying and Yang phenomenom.
During the dating phase (and beyond,) there are always doubts, the weighing of pros and cons, the possible deal breakers, the you're-so-f*cking-annoying-I-can-smother-you-in-your-sleep!, the sudden he/she-must-have-fallen-on-the-head personality changes.
The most detrimental has to be insecurities that causes one to think, "He/She's too good for me."
Being a non-dating single for most of my life, I can admit, perhaps, that all that alone time has made me very self-sufficient and potentially aloof of my intimidation factor. Afterall, I do profess my retardation in the romance department. I don't need a man to complete me. I don't need rescuing. Are those bad things? Objectively, no of course. One would think that someone who "has their shit together" is a good thing, but I guess there is comfort in seeing obvious flaws in another. It makes you feel less inferior and levels the playing field. Men want to feel like strong men: The Provider, The Fixer, The Rescuer. Bullshit? I don't know.
I guess we're all wanderers with pieces of insecurities, looking for our counterpart to complete a puzzle.
"Sorry, your pieces are bigger than mine. It'll never work."
"My puzzle only needs 100 pieces, and I've already got 63 of my own. Sorry."
How does an independent woman, who's supposedly got her shit together be less intimidating? I want my puzzle pieces to be the O negative of blood types. I want to be universal. Truth be told, I want a man to complete me. I want to be rescued.
Maybe I need to be more obviously flawed, because heaven knows I'm far from being that together. Perhaps, I should make a list of faults, shrink it down to busines card size, and readily hand them out.
5 comments:
Interesting. I think if a man or woman is intimidated by the opposite sex (or anyone in their life for that matter) it is probably because they don't have their own stuff together. If you have worked hard for your goals, let yourself be happy, and have a small sense of honor, I see no reason why one should be intimidated by anybody. People are just people! (wasn't that an 80's song?)
Good advice to just "be yourself". I would also suggest that no one needs another person to "complete their puzzle". I think people should be entirely full and happy on their own, for their whole life if need be. If a special person comes along, in my opinion already being a "complete" person would make that relationship all the more special. I've never understood why people "have" to be with someone. Why not be happy as yourself?
(Note: I'm also well aware that if I fall head over heels I would be as sappy as anyone else, possibly singing Italian ballads) :)
I'm going to sound a little sexist here, so forgive me. :)
I was raised Southern, which means that I grew up in a world where women are perceived as needing a man to protect them/provide for them/fix stuff for them/etc. So to meet a woman who doesn't need a man for any of those things leaves a residual impression of "Well, what does she need me for?"
Intimidation might be the wrong word to use, but it's close enough to the feeling.
Personally, I think that we men believe that women have to need us, because if they don't, they might change their minds about being with us. Women are crazy, after all, and change their minds a lot. ;)
Hmmm. I lived in the south for 17 years, and I've never felt women "have to need us"
Further, meeting a women who doesn't "need" a man is excellent, in my opinion, and much more attractive/interesting. I suppose people go through their lives always needing someone - how boring, and unfortunate. I sound like a broken record, but always be able to stand on your own two feet! Male or female. Not to ignore the right person if they come along, but that isn't what you should be living your life for - looking for another person.
Now now boys... ;o)
Jarod: Being my fiercly independent self ain't workin'. From now on, I'll become the epitome of damsel in distress. I'll let you know it work out!
Stuck: If women are psychos, then men are assholes. :o) I do let boys open doors for me and carry heavy things for me. I don't know anything about cars. Am I getting closer?
Damsel, not a damsel - in the end whatever makes you happiest is most important.
At least this post had me thinking about it, which is nice.
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