I'm not that strong

I've been putting off posting my first entry, because frankly, I had no idea what to write. Do I start with a long introduction of myself? How vain. No one's even going to read this... But today, I feel compelled to write, so I will and here goes...

I'm retarded. Not in any other way, but when it comes to love and romance and boys and all the etiquette and nuances that comes with it. I had my first boyfriend when I was 30. He was my first (just about) everything. Yeah, I'm behind, way behind! But it's okay, I have come to accept the huge deficit in this part of my life. For the most part anyways...

So, I'm now mid-thirty-ish and I've had 2 boyfriends. Woohoo! Not bad right? I'm trotting along now and doing well playing catch-up. So I think... Is it just the newbie in me, or is dating and relationships really hard? It consumes my brain some days. It's exhausting.

Case and point, my most recent Ex, let's call him NG for Nice Guy. Him and I have been playing the distant-only-by-email-stay-in-touch game ever since our breakup 10 months ago. We parted because he's a confused boy who's avoidant of serious relationship because of the divorce-child-custody-burn. At least that's my understanding of why we're not together.

Anyhoo, very recently, he contacted me to be his friend on MySpace. It's not just for teenagers anymore!! I swear!! I found the request to be odd because he's been distant and avoidant (3 weeks to answer a simple "How was Thanksgiving?" email), so why would he now want a method to be openly connected. I hesitate. The curiosity got the best of me. I'm a stupid hopeful girl. I accepted.

For the past week, I've been part of his MySpace friend circle of 14, along with his ex-wife, family, friends, and who-is-that-random-cute-girl, who's not-friends-with-any-of-his-friends-and-vise-versa? I don't care, right? No, I care...

So I've been the best cyber detective. (It's a talent. Seriously, I'm really great at it. I should be paid for it.) It's been an eye-rolling torturous experience watching the comments, the profile updates, the song updates between the 2 of them. Kill me now! I can only surmise that they knew each other in person while she still lived in our town, but has since moved back east to live with her parents (along with her 2 kids!!) in order to go to school. They're apart. Far apart. Nothing to be anything about, right? Wrong. It's a complete, total, and full-blown cyber-serious-romantic-relationship.

Everyday, a comment here, and song there. For pete sakes, he even created a band page to deliver "mix tapes" to her. I feel cynical, sad, nauseated, whatever, pang-of-heart, along with 10 other no-so-great emotions. Why? WTF?

So I had to delete him from my friend list. The convenience of torturing myself needed to be stopped. So I did. Kind of... I can still see her profile, since it's public, and now, not only am I tortured to see her profile updates. I only see one-side of it. What's on his in reference to that comment? I'm retarded! Just shoot me.

Has he even noticed that he's down a friend? He doesn't care. Did he ever care? I'm retarded. Seriously, I am.

So yeah, welcome me to blogging. :)